It’s the end of an era. Responsibilities that I am doing my very best to ignore are starting to become inevitable.
I’ve handed in my last assignment and finished my degree. 3 years of stress and alcohol addiction have come to an end, and somehow I feel lost. Usually I procrastinate knowing full well I should be doing something important, but now I’m just watching TV and playing games without any guilt. It sort of takes the fun out of it.
So, to stop myself falling into a hole of self-pity I visited home. After all, you don’t have to face your fears if you run away from them. I’m just biding time before I have to work full-time and become a shell of a human. I’ve literally been using the fact I’m a student as an excuse for everything…
Should I have a drink tonight? Sure thing, I’m a student.
Should I stay up all night and play on the Xbox? Sure thing, I’m a student.
Should I spend all my loan on a trip to Disneyland even though I need it for rent? Sure thing, what else are student loans for?
But now I’m not a student, and I’m trying my best to forget it. So, when I was home I dragged my mum and Ruby dress shopping.
This is mainly because my mum knows what I look good in, and I hate dresses. Ian’s dad is getting married, so traditionally I need to look nice and I’m too short for a jumpsuit and my big arse means that skirts are too revealing.
‘You have a nice bum’ People say. ‘I’d love to have curves likes yours.’ Trust me, you don’t. It’s actually a burden. Not many people can break things with their arse, but that’s a rant for another time.
I tried on all sorts of dresses. I didn’t even know you could get so many styles, some just shouldn’t exist. I thought is was impossible to turn a circle into a square, but some dresses made me look like I was a plank of wood.
It’s worth mentioning that I have dinky T-Rex arms. There are many places on my back that I cannot itch (This is where Ian comes in handy) but it also means that I struggle to take dresses off. Ruby and mum had to help me like a was a toddle still learning how to get dresses. To be fair, there are far too many holes. I always put my head in the arm hole and get stuck. It’s hard being me.
It also didn’t help that I tried one of the dresses on backwards, so that there was a hole right between my boobs. I just assumed it was the design and showed Ruby the full effect. She may never recover, but at least she told me it wasn’t meant to look like that.
Mum told me I had to put heels on so that she could get ‘the full effect.’ After we had chosen the dress, we went on a hunt for matching heels. A few hours later, we ended up back in the dress shop and buying the shoes from there.
Mum told me to walk in them to see how they feel. Imagine how a mannequin would walk if they came to life. That was how I was walking.
I turned around to find the shop assistant laughing at me. When I looked at her, she told me to imagine I was on a cat walk. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and imagined I was on Ru Pauls Drag Race. Somehow that made it worse, and when I turned around again, my mum was laughing and the shop assistant had tears in her eyes.
I am officially doomed. My mum can make me look as fancy shmacy as she can, but I can tell I’m going to ruin her efforts already. I think the most likely thing is that I’ll forget I’m in a dress and bed over, quickly realise my underwear is on show and panic. The panic will make me fall over and break my ankle. I can see it happening already.
How do you guys thing I’m going to mess up this wedding? Place your bets below!