The Mystery Box

Merhaba! (That’s Turkish for ‘Hello’ by the way, bet you didn’t think you’d actually learn something from me tonight. Don’t worry, I’m as surprised as you are.)

It’s now Wednesday, the last day before I go away on adventures up to Scotland, then back home to Cumbria, then back down to Manchester to graduate. Honestly, this is going to be the busiest I’ve been all year. So, just in case I don’t have time to Blog next week, I have a nice juicy post for you now.

Natalie, (You guys know Nat, the one that witnessed the ‘cider or wee’ incident and I booked her onto Ghyll Scrambling completely forgetting that she’s afraid of heights? Yeah, I’m a good friend deep down. Anyway, this is not about me being a bad friend) Natalie came up with a plan.

When I said to Ian ‘Me and Nat have a plan,’ he literally just went ‘Oh no.’ which was not the reaction I was expecting. I don’t know what previous plan has made him fear us, but this plan is definitely a good plan.

Nat’s been watching a lot of Youtube, and she says that people buying stuff for other people is a thing.

Nat is one of those people that always knows when there’s a sale on. I swear she must spend her life looking at things she can’t afford. (Same, to be honest. I was looking at a £300,000 house the other day. I don’t even have £3 in my bank account.)

Basically, Nat knew that Paperchase had a sale on, and asked if she could send me a box of surprise things. She did ask pretty hesitantly though, like I would ever say no to free Paperchase. You know me better than that, Nat. Being the Brit I am, I offered to pay and her being the Brit she is, she declined my offer.

Now, I’m going to open The Box.

Who knows what could be in there? The fact that she said she wanted to send them to me is pretty concerning. There must be things in there that she wouldn’t send to her girlfriend, or other, perhaps more normal friends. (Though I honestly doubt she has ‘normal’ friends. She must just attract the weird ones if she’s friends with me.)

The Box has seen better days, it arrived looking like it’s been through some dark days. The tape is ripped – the sides battered.

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I would be lying if  I said I wasn’t tempted to peek through the hole. The only way to stop myself doing it was to pretend that if I peeked in then a demon would release itself and possess me. Surprisingly, the childish thoughts worked and stopped my temptations. I have learnt how to control myself and get over my flaws, I am officially an adult.

At last, the wait is over. No longer will I steal a look at The Box when I’m tidying up.

No longer will I have to hide The Box from sight to resist my primal urges to rip it open.

No longer will I suffer from curiosity because…

The Box is open.

The first thing I found was a Mermaid Moonlight. Which, to be fair, is very me. I have a unicorn one it can sit next to, and I’ve got Mermaid shower gel so one day I can have a mermaid themed bath. My hair has grown pretty long, and I love glitter, so by default that makes me a mermaid, right?

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Actually pretty happy with that as the first item. It has made me a little less scared of The Box.

The next thing to catch my interest was what appears to be a disco ball pen. When I first saw it, I genuinely thought it was a bauble so picked it up wondering why Paperchase even sells baubles in July.

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Alas, I was wrong and it is just a pen. It’s pretty groovy and is very colourful, but I don’t think I could get any use out of it. I tend to have my head close to the paper when I write, and honestly I feel like practically, it would just hit me in the head.

Not only that, but I have the attention span of a small child that’s had a little bit too much Vimto, so the shiny colours will most definitely distract me. I can put it with my pen collection though. Yes, I have a pen collection at 22. I’m old and sad, okay?

The next thing I found was this beast:

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Okay, I’m intrigued. Surely it’s not actually growing a mermaid though? Maybe it just grows the moss stuff at the bottom? The age is 10+, and I feel like looking after a live creature is a bit too much responsibility at that age. Though to be fair I had hamsters, but I feel like that just proves my point. I’m going to have to read the box.

The box says: ‘Contains chemicals that are hazardous to health. Do not allow chemicals to get in contact with any part of the body’ and ‘Keep children and animals away from the experiment.’ WHAT SORT OF MERMAID IS THIS?

How is something you can grow at 10 so dangerous? Why are companies selling kids mermaid drugs? Whatever happened to Animal Hospital?

Guys, if I die attempting to grow a mermaid please make sure you hunt down Natalie Harrop. Also, please make sure that the cause of death is included on my gravestone because that will cheer old people up when they’re visiting loved ones.

Oh no, I’ve found another mystery box inside The Box. What a boxymoron! (I’ll show myself out.)

Ohh, inside The Boxes Box there’s one of those little portable metal cup things. I can’t think of the name. You know, alcoholic police always have them in American movies.

Oh wait, no. It has a label. It is, in fact a ‘Hip flask.’

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I mean, I feel like Nat got this because A) I can sneak Tequila into graduation and B) It’s pretty emo looking. I used to be super emo by the way – half shaved head, heavy eyeliner and a lot of attitude that came with not fitting in. But that’s a post for another time.

The word ‘Rebel’ is kind of funny though, because I am the opposite of a rebel. I feel bad when somebody else walks into me on the street. But it’s very handy, and I will definitely get some use out of it. Whether it’s day drinking or just trying to look badass, it will be used.

Next up are these bad boys:

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Unicorn Eye Pads. I sense a theme of horribly girly mythical creatures designed for children – and I love it. Usually I just use cucumber and that stings like a mofo. (Is it meant to? Or am I allergic to cucumbers? I’m good at eating them though. Hmm..)

The instructions say to leave them in the fridge overnight, so let’s hope they work miracles to get rid of the permanent bags that I seem to have. I don’t know where they come from, I’m just a genuinely sleepy person and this is far cheaper than that serum you can get that I’m pretty sure is just a placebo.

Ooh now we’re getting to the paper stuff. This is exciting! The first ‘paper’ thing is in fact –  a meal planner!

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Honestly, I feel like this one is just a hint to stop ordering takeaway and actually cook for once. I’ll give it a whirl since I love being organised so much, but I make no promises!

*UPDATE: I messaged Nat and she said it’s a ‘Swimming meal plan.’ I didn’t even realise it was a picture of a pool. She just thought it would be funny because I don’t go swimming much. Little does she know that when I do swim, I always eat fruit. Because health+health=super health.*

Next on the paper agenda, is a ‘My Rants 2019’ notebook:

It appears that this is literally just to write a rant a day in. Once again, I feel like this is a hint. But I’m loving the idea, like maybe, just maybe, I’ll stop ranting to strangers online one day. This is all such random, unexpected stuff that I didn’t even know existed. It’s great!

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Let’s take a break. from the paper to appreciate this FLASHING pencil case. It is one of the gayest things I have ever seen, and I absolutely love it. I might use it as a make-up bag so that when I go away I can show off that it flashes. I played with it for a bit and it even changes directions and slash length. If anything, it is one flashy pencil case!

Okay, so now for my favourite thing so far. This fluffy hot sauce pen that’s labelled ‘Hot damn.’

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I don’t know why I find it so hilarious, but it literally made me choke on my soup. Which is quite an achievement, considering that soup is just liquid. 10/10 on the humour scale.

Oh. My. God. This next thing is even higher on the scale:

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The description is:

‘Now your mate can leave their mark on paper, not every conversation.’

Paperchase, I don’t know when you got so hilarious but these products are literally my favourite thing right now. I have nothing against Vegans, but that stamp really does sum them up. I must go and stamp Ian’s brother with it immediately.

This photo doesn’t even need an explanation, it’s pretty obvious why Nat bought these.

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Well, looks like Nat is trying to sabotage my relationship with this next gift. The ‘You & Me Card Game’ basically gives you a question like:

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‘Who is the most romantic?’ and you both have to answer either ‘You’ or ‘Me.’ I think I’ll get Ian drunk tonight and test this game,  because it’ll either be really fun or make us break up after 5 years of nothing but peace.  Once again, if anything goes wrong, please hunt down Natalie.

Back to the paper again, the next item (GOD NAT, HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND?) we have a cute little pink notebook.

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Whilst the outside looks a bit too princess-y for me (Never thought you’d here me say that, did you?) the inside is amazing.  Mostly because of the line spacing. Most smaller notebooks have tiny little lines in them, and I have huge bubble writing so I have trouble fitting three words onto a page. This notebook seems perfect for my handwritings personality and it feels so soft you can rub your face on it, if that’s what you’re into.

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One question Nat, why? And what does ‘NOMO FOMO’ mean? I realise that is in fact 2 questions, but I need to know.

Wow! Something that I actually was wishing would be in The Box. This journal that tells you how to adult.

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From budgeting to making lists, it helps you actually be a grown-up. I’ve seen this in stores, and god knows I need the help. Adulting is so very hard. Thank you Nat!

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Sushi sticky notes? Ha-ha-ha Nat. Very funny. (For those that don’t know, I tried sushi for the first time recently and hated it. That’s the joke, she should just become a comedian.)

Woohooo! Another thing to help me write lists and get my life together. Fan-bloody-tastic! I think I’ll start with ‘Stuff you shouldn’t be able to do on a plane,’ I could tie it into the ranting book! All of these books are making me sound like I need anger management. In reality I’m very calm and innocent, I promise.

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I mean, this just looks like a pink version of that book from Harry Potter that tries to eat people. I must remember to always stroke the spine…

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A ballon that says ‘Hells yeah?’ HELLS YEAH! I will never blow it up because I want to treasure it forever. There is also this robot in The Box – but I have no idea what it is as there’s no label. It’s made by the same company that made the dangerous mermaid though, so I think I’ll just use it as a decoration.

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Oh, I think we’re down to the last thing. I’m very sorry for how long this post is, if you’re still with me and haven’t died whilst I took forever opening The Box. But here it is… the last item… Drumroll please.

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It’s a backpack that has ‘HEY BUOY’ printed on it, which is another hilarious pun. It has pink sequins inside and teeny weeny balls that rattle when you walk. It’s see-through and has that ‘Swimming Pool’ smell that some bags have, which makes me think it’s a beach bag. I mean, I wish I was going to a beach sometime soon.

I also can’t stand the colour pink, but I feel like that’s the point. Nat wanted to gift me things that are half nice and practical, but half anti-me. She knows I could never say anything bad about something that cost me nothing, and I think she’s taken that for granted a little bit.

So, there you have it. It’s been a wild ride. Some things I loved (The Vegan stamp, the hot sauce pen, the diaries) other things I’ll probably avoid (The fluffy book and pink backpack.) All in all it’s been so much fun writing this, even if it’s not fun reading it. Thank you so much to Nat who came up with the idea and must have paid a fortune on the Paperchase website.

I hope you all have a great week! Next time I post, I will be completely degreed. (As in, I will finally have the empty scroll that’s a symbol of my degree.)

Adios!

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