Graduation is a scam

Hello, readers.

It is I, Lucie the tragic. I have returned from the busiest two weeks of my solemn existence. But where have I (a constantly tired introvert) been?

Well, at the beginning of July Ian and I went on our adventures up to Scotland to meet his newborn niece, Isla. Basically, I’m just going to put it out there: I am not a fan of babies. I mean, I would like my own in the future but at the moment I just don’t know what to do with them.

I was shocked to find that I actually found Isla adorable and felt weirdly warm around her. I think my ovaries were telling me: ‘That’s what I’m for, you know. Producing babies.’ I had to remind them that I am poor, love sleep and can barely look after myself.

It was weird though, I think it was just because Isla was insanely cute. Most babies I look at and I think: ‘Oh god. You look like a gremlin.’ But of course, normally when I see these babies I’m at work and I just have to fake an ‘Awwh’ when they throw their carrot sticks everywhere.

We had a nice visit though. We ended up playing a board came and David (Who is Emma’s husband. Emma is Ian’s sister) gave us out-of-date cider, and some sort of spirit that was basically just Lemsip.

It probably makes me a terrible person, but I’ve never been so smug when drinking as when Emma was sipping her non-alcoholic wine. That was the point that I realised I am probably going to be that crazy alcoholic aunt that turns up out of the blue with wild stories.

Our next stop was back home (and by home I mean my mum’s – I seem to have a growing-up complex.) My brother, Harley was about to leave to go to Australia for a year so we had a final get together with everyone there. It’s actually so rare for everyone to be in the same place these days, it’s insane how one minute you’re arguing over which cartoon to watch and the next you’re trying to organise a time where everyone is off work.

Jak and Ruby decorated the house with Australia decorations, including an inflatable kangaroo. I feel like I want that as an every day decoration, kangaroos are such an underrated animal. Imagine having the energy to bounce everywhere and still be able to knock someone out.

My mum made an insane buffet, we went to the pub and then played Cards Against Humanity. Somehow Ruby always wins despite the fact she doesn’t know what most of the cards mean.

I was just getting myself a drink when I walked back into the lounge and everyone was stood around, looking very sad. I wondered what had happened,  what possibly could have gone wrong for everyone to look miserable?

Turns out the boys were playing with the inflatable kangaroo and Ivy got all excited an popped it. We stood around as it deflated with our hands down, sad classical music playing in the background. I reckon the entire thing looked ridiculous, but it was a very sad moment indeed.

After we said our goodbyes to Harley, we went to see Ian’s mum who took us to the lake. They had free candyfloss and there were loads of dogs out so it was pretty nice. I miss the wilderness in Cumbria, I never really appreciated it until I moved away.

The plan for the next day was for me to get the train back to Crewe, quickly grab my stuff and then hop on the next train to Manchester ready for graduation.

The problem was, I booked the wrong train. For some reason I had managed to book it for August instead of July, so Ian had to pay £90 for a new ticket. I don’t even know why he trusted me with it to be honest. I have never been able to nail booking trains for both of us. When it’s just me it’s fine, but as soon as a second ticket is involved I seem to mess up, because logic.

This did mean I managed to get back to Crewe with plenty of time to nap, bathe and eat a pizza before I headed out again. I met my mum in Manchester and we went to meet Kyara in Spoons.

Since finishing uni, Kyara has been off on badass adventures to Korea and Japan. She bought me a Japanese Lush Bomb that is doomed to never be used thanks to my sentimentality. I’m kind of jealous that she’s away being badass whilst I’m stuck working on fast-food, but I guess I get to experience the most important part of Japan thanks to her gift.

Nat and her family joined us, followed by Cal and his family. We all sat in Spoons drinking until Mum got bored so took us to a gay club. It was there that I made my god-awful mistake of buying tequila shots and accidentally snorting the salt. I ended up dropping my phone in the toilet and woke up with a hangover from hell.

Here’s a tip for graduation: Don’t go hungover. It’s hard enough as it is. Or you could jut not go.

Honestly, I was very disappointed. The first reason is because we had to sit in alphabetical order and ‘D’ was the cut off point so most of my class was the other side of the hall from me, including all of my friends who got to sit next to each other.

The second reason was that we didn’t get a scroll. We literally paid £45,000 to get a handshake off an old dude who we had never met before. Apparently he’s important, but not important enough to actually help us through out degrees.

The third reason is that the ceremony took far too long. I was polite at first, clapping every single person. When the speechy person announced we were only half way through I gave up completely. I looked up at my family and two of them were asleep, whilst Mum elbowed them to stop them snoring.

The entire thing was pretentious and if it wasn’t for the drinking the night before, I would’ve rather stayed at home. The only good part of it was seeing my tutor in robes looking like a hippie version of Gandalf the Grey.

So now I’ve graduated. I’m officially not a student. Yet, somehow, I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’ve realised the only way for me to actually be successful is through this blog, and the chances of that are so small you need a magnificent microscope to see them.

I also went to a wedding over the weekend, but this post has got pretty long and I don’t want to bore you all, so I think I’ll save that for next week!

Honestly, the past couple of weeks have been fun but it’s good to be back. It’s also great to be writing again, I’m officially back in my zone!

I hope nobody missed me too much, I shall see you all next week!

PS. if you’re a stranger, please give me the follows. You won’t regret it, I pinky promise! (Actually, you probably will regret it, so I also understand if you don’t follow. I wouldn’t either!)

2 thoughts on “Graduation is a scam

  1. WildButterfly13 says:

    Lucie, dear, can I call you Salt Snorter now? You know I love your work, so hopefully you know I mean that in jest. Graduation ceremonies always suck, so good thing you sucked up the salt with the tequila beforehand. Forty years from now, you’ll remember the fun the night before much easier than you’ll remember the ceremony itself, so at least you have one good memory it. Looking forward to your next post, no matter what you write about I know there will be a laugh or two in the mix.

    Liked by 1 person

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